Years ago I heard a song, “You Can't Find Jesus In the Yellow Pages,” written by a singer stranded in San Francisco who was trying to find help in the yellow pages. He realized that you can find just about anything you want in the yellow pages… except Jesus. For some reason that song has stuck in my mind, and every time I see a copy of the yellow pages, I think, “You cannot find Jesus in there.”

Needless to say, I have developed a fascination with reading the yellow pages. (I know what you are thinking: this guy has way too much time on his hands.) But, as I travel across America I have access to copies from virtually every region, and I have found some fascinating stuff in there. Grab your copy, I will show you what I mean.

If you look at the top of each page, you will notice category headings. If the page includes more than one category, the beginning and ending categories will be listed separated by a hyphen.

This week I was looking for a plumber in the Tulsa, Okla. yellow pages. I noticed that the top of the page read, “Plumbing-Police.” What a great idea to have “Plumbing Police.” They could have a number similar to 911. When there was a plumbing emergency, all you had to do was dial one number, like “777,” and the nearest plumbing police officer patrolling your neighborhood would be dispatched.

As I flipped through I found these other actual headings in the Tulsa yellow pages. “Popcorn-Prescriptions.” I always knew popcorn should be listed as a health food. My theory is the more you eat, the healthier you are. How about this one: “Food-Forklift,” being a church going man familiar with church-wide potluck dinners, no explanation needed. What is the deal with the heading “Hair-Hardware?” Being of the masculine persuasion, I can only imagine what that is. And even in my imagination it gives me the wooly willies. Here are some religious ones: “Christmas-Churches” is listed on the left-hand page, but on the right is “Churches-Cigar.” I know what Christmas churches are, but what about “Churches-Cigar?” Does it have anything to do with deacons standing outside the church sending up burnt offerings? The list goes on: “Pest-Pet,” “Motel-Motorcycles,” “Garage-Garbage,” “Fishing-Fitness,” “Airlines-Alcoholism,” “Abrasive-Accountant”…watch out.

The last word combination in my yellow pages is “Youth-Zoo.” Sound familiar? It is probably the best two words that describe many family’s homes. You would rather live in a zoo than spend another day with your child. Pray that your family will find peace and that harmony will fill your home. One thing I know for sure. You cannot find peace and harmony in the yellow pages because…Jesus is not there!